A Momentary Lapse of Time

Things that won’t happen this season, take #89: Englishman lifting the UCL for an English team.

[DISCLAIMER] The following is a work of reality based on fictional events…

August 15th

Premier League season kicks off with dozens of money signings being made and high hopes for some of the best football on the planet. Meanwhile, in Germany, Italy and Spain, the teams are enjoying few extra training sessions, as their leagues are starting couple days later. Those training days will help them immensely later in the campaign.

August 28th

Arsenal suffer their first defeat of the season, causing a massive outrage in social media. Everton and Southampton fans are starting to get their hopes up. Harry Kane is invisible. At least five Premier League big signings have already been labelled as flops and ordered to leave on loan for Burton Albion by the internet lynch mob.

September 14th

One out of eight or nine top strikers in England has already ruptured his ligaments and will be sidelined until March. Watford are on a four-game winning streak. Manchester City have just lost their opening Champions League match and are blaming the congested fixtures for it. Out of nowhere, Lukaku starts scoring in every game.

October 2nd

Manchester United start squeezing 1-0 wins from some of the most boring away performances imaginable. Mike Dean ruins an otherwise decent game and gets his face on the front page of every sports newspaper. Watford, Everton and Southampton have all imploded. Lukaku plays against Chelsea and gets only 2 touches on the ball in 90 minutes.

October 23th

Arsenal are so injured, they’re forced to play three teenagers each game. After 73 missed attempts, Harry Kane scores his first goal of the season. United and Liverpool draw, having pick up 8 bookings each in a goalless derby. Agüero’s right knee gives in but his boss insists it’s just a knock. Meanwhile – Bayern still have a clean bill of health.

November 15th

Premier League title race has narrowed down to five teams. The same races in Italy and Germany are effectively over and in Spain, it’s all down to Barcelona and Real Madrid. Harry Kane now scores in every single game; at the same time, Lukaku’s game against Chelsea has sent him on a month-long slump. Mourinho gets sent off to the stands.

December 3rd

Manchester City drop down to the Europa League after finishing 3rd in a group of death. Arsenal are through and get paired with Bayern Munich. Chelsea draw Hapoel God-Knows-Who in the UCL Round of 16. A week later, all those three teams, exhausted on Tuesday and Wednesday, drop points to Stoke, Bournemouth and West Bromwich.

December 22nd

Bayern and Dortmund win their league matches and go on a long, refreshing winter break. Barcelona, Juventus, Real Madrid do the same and earn themselves two-week long vacation. Meanwhile, in England, the number of snapped hamstrings has reached a critical mass: in response, the managers go as far as to fielding Ramsey and Fellaini.

January 2nd

Agüero’s right knee is now done for at least 2 months following Shawcross’ tackle. Liverpool have lost four players to injuries and only one of them suffered his problem during the match. A red card hasn’t been shown in the Premier League since October. In Madrid, Cristiano Ronaldo is eating shrimps while getting a massage.

January 20th

The market value of six big Premier League flops drops by 30%; their employers start claiming that they’ve got a discount on them in July. Arsenal are injured and drop out of the title race; Manchester United are injured as well, but somehow keep going. Ronaldo finishes his shrimps and scores seven goals against Recreativo Huelva.

February 8th

Christian Eriksen suddenly turns into a world-beater. Swansea are climbing up in the table after the aeons of sucking. Chelsea play their 14th straight game with the same starting XI and nobody gets injured. Arsène Wenger says that his team comes to the match against Bayern “in great spirit and optimism”. Mourinho gets sent off to the stands again.

February 24th

Arsenal have just lost 1-4 at home to Bayern. Robbie Savage praises Giroud for his heroic goal “that gives them hope for a rematch next week in Munich”. The number of “if only Alexis was fit and we didn’t have to play Ramsey” tweets reaches four digits. Two more Premier League managers are sacked. Mourinho’s back from the stands.

March 12th

Arsenal draw 1-1 with Bayern and are eliminated from the UCL. Chelsea are through to the quarterfinals, where they’re paired with PSG. Manchester United fans are buzzing for a good Europa League run after beating Slovan Liberec 3-2 on aggregate. In the league, Stoke are on five 1-0 wins in a row and leapfrog past Tottenham.

Stoke City. One of the many EPL teams that are a pain in the ass to play against.

March 26th

Agüero, Alexis, Coutinho and Martial are all back from their injuries and a brief spell of good, attacking football resumes in the Premier League. Manchester City have scored 16 goals in three games against Everton, Swansea and Sunderland, prompting their fans to get their title hopes back up again. Mourinho gets sent off to the stands for the third time.

April 10th

Juventus beat Roma 3-0 at home and are in the top form. Bayern win 5-0 against Hoffenheim. A nail-biting Barcelona vs Real Madrid match ends in a 2-2 draw. In the Premier League, a star game between Chelsea and Manchester City finishes with 0 shots on target and 9 bookings. Both teams’ managers are blaming the fog and poor pitch condition.

April 25th

PSG have just eliminated Chelsea from the Champions League; same happens in Europa League to Manchester United against Villarreal and Manchester City against Shakhtar Donetsk. The only English team left in Europe are Tottenham, after a hard-fought 2-1 aggregate win over NK Domžale. Spurs fans suddenly get cocky on Twitter.

May 13th

Chelsea lift the Premier League trophy by the virtue of not collapsing like everyone else. Out of twenty EPL clubs, eleven have sacked their managers during the season. Mark Clattenburg ruins an obsolete game between Southampton and Everton by awarding three imaginary penalties. Arsenal fans are silently watching their manager getting a new, four-year deal.

May 28th

Spurs are beaten 6-1 by Sevilla in the UEL semifinal. English fans are busy digging up information about their clubs’ £40 million transfer targets from Eredivisie and Portuguese Primeira Liga. Scousers from The Kop have just vowed to win the league next season. Bournemouth reject West Ham’s £8 million bid for Callum Wilson.

June 14th

Following their 2-1 win over Real Madrid in the Champions League final, Bayern president Uli Hoeneß steps forward and criticises the players for “the lack of intensity in the 2nd half”. Meanwhile in England, Arsène Wenger is “looking forward to a successful 54th season in charge of Arsenal”. EPL announces that their profits went up further 13%.

July 1st

Three leading EPL players suffer season-ending injuries six weeks before the start of the new season. Top goalscorer Agüero is omitted from the Team of the Season due to the lack of English roots. Newly promoted Brighton are plotting a raid for two Borussia Dortmund starlets, proving once again that the Premier League is the best league in the world.


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